1. You don’t look like you’re gay. What does that even mean? Really though, I wish I knew what this “ideal lesbian” looked like so that I could live up to your standards of classic lesbian. You seem to be more knowledgeable about the subject than I am, maybe you could direct me to the nearest Lesbians R’ Us, so that I can acquire the proper attire to fit the part. It is apparent that I have failed How to Be a Lesbian 101, and may even require a tutor.
2. You’re too pretty to be a lesbian. Although I do appreciate your failed attempt at a compliment, I can’t help but feel a little bit offended. Lets clear this up real quick… it is not possible to be “too pretty”… for anything. You can be too short to ride a rollercoaster, you can be too young to run for president… you cannot be “too pretty” to be gay. This statement implies that you assume most lesbians are ugly, which is not only offensive… but incredibly inaccurate. There are plenty of gorgeous gay women in the world (and you won’t find them in lesbian porn). Contrary to popular belief, we’re just like the rest of the population; we come in all shapes, sizes, makes, and models. Everyone has a different “type” that they find attractive. Your view on beauty is yours and yours alone.
3. How do you have sex? First, this is a ridiculous question to ask a person… unless they are either one of your very close friends...or you’re on air with Dr. Ruth. Since I am neither of those things… what makes you think that I want to share the details of my sex life with you? If you must know, the sex is better than you could ever imagine. Picture all of the parts that you hate about having sex with a guy… now imagine not having to deal with any of it, and now add boobs! Lesbians know how to please a woman because they’ve got the same parts and know exactly how they work. That’s all of the information that I am willing to share at this point. If you’re looking for a demonstration or a “how to” tutorial... try sneaking around the Gay and Lesbian section of Barnes and Noble. Guaranteed, you’ll feel just as uncomfortable and I am right now.
4. Are you sisters? If by sisters you really meant scissor sisters… then yes. Next question.
5. Wait… scissoring is real? Yes. Next question.
6. Which one is the guy? Maybe you don’t understand the whole idea behind being a lesbian. Neither of us are men, that’s pretty much the point. We are both women, who love women. It’s a fairly easy concept once you accept the part where we’re both girls. I’ll assume you really meant “which one of you pays the bills/ drives the car/ kills the spiders” Fair enough, I just don’t understand why any of that matters? Unless there is a spider in this room right now, your question is irrelevant.
7. When did you become gay? Great question. For me I think it was when I went to this really sketchy Chinese Restaurant when I was eleven. The water was a little cloudy and tasted like skittles. I woke up the next day and BOOM… gay. It could happen to anyone. Seriously though, I can’t speak for everyone in the gay community… but I don’t think it’s ever a “Freaky Friday” type situation. I don’t think any of us went to bed straight one day, and woke up gay the next… that would be absolutely terrifying. I think I was collecting the pieces to the big “gay puzzle” my entire life. When I was 20… I found the very last piece and finally saw the big picture. (It was a unicorn eating a bowl of lucky charms. I saw it, and I was like… oh).
8. Maybe it’s just a phase. As awesome as it sound to grow out of my love for women, that’s probably never going to happen. A phase is like the time in middle school when I thought it was cool to wear tube socks and skirts because I was so freaking punk rock. Or the time I spent pretending to like dudes. I’ve been attracted to women for my entire life.
9. How do you know that you’re gay? Well, I took an “Are You Gay” questionnaire once that I found on the internet… I hear it’s pretty accurate. In all seriousness though… I know because of the way women make me feel. I don’t really think I need to get into the details of what happens when you’re ridiculously attracted to a person.
10. Did you have a bad experience with men, is that why you’re gay now? No. I’ve just had really great experiences with women.
11. Why don’t you just date a boy if you like girls who look like boys? This is another one of those questions where you have to first accept that we are both women… who love WOMEN. Believe it or not, a person’s style or haircut does not determine their sexuality. (Young Justin Bieber is a prime example of this situation). No offense to Justin, or the Beliebers.
12. My friends sister, Kat, is lesbian. Do you know her? As if every lesbian has met every other lesbian that exists! What is it with you people? What’s Kat’s last name? Okay that’s actually my ex-girlfriends new girlfriend. Next question.
13. Who wears the pants? Both of us? We both wear pants on a daily basis.
14. I’m seriously so sick of men. I should just become a lesbian. I feel ya, I’m so sick of women… I should just become straight. See how ridiculous that sounds?
15. I’m not gay or anything, but if I were… I would totally have sex with you. Thank you, that is very… kind.